Ok, i'm AAreata, heading i believe to AT, possibly Alopecia Universalis, HOPEFULLY NOT!!! i had a dozen or so eyebrows come out on my right side when i itched and rubbed there, and maybe seven eyelashes from my lower right eye in the past two-three days, that might be normal shed, i'd never paid attention before my first bald spot showed up, so i honestly don't know, given that i'm relatively new to this, but almost to the year mark for start of hair loss. i always thought that the "five stages of grieving" was kinda "cliche" thing, i knew them from school (i am a nurse), and i have told people a gazillion times that what they are feeling is the normal course of things, etc, but i'd never really been through them before, most of my losses (deaths, etc) were expected, and therefore, the grieving process was, in a way, negated. i've most definitely hit "stage three". i thought i had skipped the whole process, that i was cool with the hair loss, it was ok, it didn't bother me...............but when i realized how angry i was, i realized that for me "stage one" was denying i was upset about it. (for those who might not know about the stages, there are "five", stage one denial, stage two anger, stage three depression, stage four bargaining, stage five acceptance). i've gone through being SOOOO angry about it, from looking at people with a full head of hair and HATING them, and being angry that they had all their hair, and i didn't. I'm not angry anymore, i'm into stage three (and i still can't believe it as i watch myself go through these "stages", i guess they're real) because i'm depressed as hell!! i look in the mirror and i hate what i see looking back at me. i don't have the guts to tell my b/f this. he's been SOOOOO supportive, even tonight when i got home from work, took my wig off and got ready to take a shower, he came up and said "cutie" and hugged me, rubbing my head. all i could think was "cutie? i'm hideous!!!!!!!!!" i KNOW i can get through this, i will, but i'm in a very dangerous spot right now. i spent the majority of my life depressed/suicidal. i THOUGHT i'd gotten past that, but dammit, this is killing me!!! i find it hard to look my b/f in the eye, becuase i don't feel worthy of him, and i KNOW that's ridiculous, i know it is, but i'm struggling right now, i've been off anti depresants for awhile now, and i don't really want to go back on them, but i don't know how long i can do this!!! i had finally gotten to where i could actually think i loved myself, and i was comfortable with me, and then my hair started falling out. i know this is part of the process, and i know it will pass, but i'm struggling with it so hard right now, and i don't want to do it!!! i want to just have it go away, and there's only one way i know of for it to go away, but i'm not going to do that, becuase it's the stupid way to go. it would be easier i think if i admitted to those immediately around me jus thow hard i'm struggling right now, but i can't, i don't want to worry them. i'm not going to kill myself, i struggled too long to get past that, but if i admit to those immediately around me how much it's on my mind, they're going to over react. i need help right now dealing with this, and don't know how much i can admit to my closest loved ones. i'm sorry for rambling on, and i know this will pass and i will get where some of you are, especially carol, she is a pillar for me from teh get go, i will get to be where she is, whether or not my hair grows back, but i need help getting through this "stage".