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hitting a dangerous spot

Discussion in 'Women's Alopecia Areata' started by rayneStormRN, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. rayneStormRN

    rayneStormRN Guest

    Ok, i'm AAreata, heading i believe to AT, possibly Alopecia Universalis, HOPEFULLY NOT!!!

    i had a dozen or so eyebrows come out on my right side when i itched and rubbed there, and maybe seven eyelashes from my lower right eye in the past two-three days, that might be normal shed, i'd never paid attention before my first bald spot showed up, so i honestly don't know, given that i'm relatively new to this, but almost to the year mark for start of hair loss.

    i always thought that the "five stages of grieving" was kinda "cliche" thing, i knew them from school (i am a nurse), and i have told people a gazillion times that what they are feeling is the normal course of things, etc, but i'd never really been through them before, most of my losses (deaths, etc) were expected, and therefore, the grieving process was, in a way, negated. i've most definitely hit "stage three". i thought i had skipped the whole process, that i was cool with the hair loss, it was ok, it didn't bother me...............but when i realized how angry i was, i realized that for me "stage one" was denying i was upset about it. (for those who might not know about the stages, there are "five", stage one denial, stage two anger, stage three depression, stage four bargaining, stage five acceptance). i've gone through being SOOOO angry about it, from looking at people with a full head of hair and HATING them, and being angry that they had all their hair, and i didn't. I'm not angry anymore, i'm into stage three (and i still can't believe it as i watch myself go through these "stages", i guess they're real) because i'm depressed as hell!! i look in the mirror and i hate what i see looking back at me. i don't have the guts to tell my b/f this. he's been SOOOOO supportive, even tonight when i got home from work, took my wig off and got ready to take a shower, he came up and said "cutie" and hugged me, rubbing my head. all i could think was "cutie? i'm hideous!!!!!!!!!" i KNOW i can get through this, i will, but i'm in a very dangerous spot right now.

    i spent the majority of my life depressed/suicidal. i THOUGHT i'd gotten past that, but dammit, this is killing me!!! i find it hard to look my b/f in the eye, becuase i don't feel worthy of him, and i KNOW that's ridiculous, i know it is, but i'm struggling right now, i've been off anti depresants for awhile now, and i don't really want to go back on them, but i don't know how long i can do this!!! i had finally gotten to where i could actually think i loved myself, and i was comfortable with me, and then my hair started falling out.

    i know this is part of the process, and i know it will pass, but i'm struggling with it so hard right now, and i don't want to do it!!! i want to just have it go away, and there's only one way i know of for it to go away, but i'm not going to do that, becuase it's the stupid way to go. it would be easier i think if i admitted to those immediately around me jus thow hard i'm struggling right now, but i can't, i don't want to worry them. i'm not going to kill myself, i struggled too long to get past that, but if i admit to those immediately around me how much it's on my mind, they're going to over react.

    i need help right now dealing with this, and don't know how much i can admit to my closest loved ones.

    i'm sorry for rambling on, and i know this will pass and i will get where some of you are, especially carol, she is a pillar for me from teh get go, i will get to be where she is, whether or not my hair grows back, but i need help getting through this "stage".
  2. Hi,

    Please hang in there. I totally understand what you are going through. I just went back on my anti-depressents last week. I don't have a diagnosis for my hairloss and it's not so severe yet that I need a full wig. I did just purchase a topper but have had a hard time wearing it. I guess for me, wearing it admits that this problem isn't in my mind and won't be going away anytime soon.

    I usually start my day by laying in bed dreading getting up and having to do my hair. Trying to make it cooperate so I look acceptable enough to leave my house. I usually end up crying, screaming, or throwing things. There are some days I have so much anxiety over it that I can't leave my house or I worry myself into a stupor of what my future holds.

    It's starting to take a toll on my marriage. I've only been married a year and my husband is incredilby supportive but I can only image how tired he gets of hearing the screams and the crying. I can't be close to him because I, like you, feel so unworthy of him. I don't feel sexy. I desperately want to be close and intimate but don't feel beautiful enough to allow it.

    I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much. I wish there was something I could do for all of us in this situation.

    Hang on and as cliche as it sounds, be grateful for the things you do have. I try to do this everyday - count the blessing I do have. It helps, if only just a little.

  3. rayneStormRN

    rayneStormRN Guest

    i will hang in there, i fought to hard to get through the depression before to let it get the better of me, i just know how dangerous it can be. it'll pass, i hope sooner rather than later. for the first time in a long time i had to force myself out of bed, and the second my b/f starts to wake up, the wig goes on, he shouldn't have to look at me like this.

    i know this will pass, i just hate being in this mood again after so long without it.
  4. rayneStormRN

    rayneStormRN Guest

    ok, i'm shaking this current depression, but it sure was nasty there for a few day.

    I've taken the time to REALLY look at my head. I'm still developing new spots, but there is a LOT!!!!!!!!!!!! of hair growing in, you can't see it unless you're really close becuase it is OH so white, but i think i'm down to less than fifty percent of actual bald, and i'm feeling SOME hope.

    I'm prepared for it to go either way, the condition is still active, as evidenced by new spots showing up, BUT i'm responding to treatment. i have all these fine white hairs coming in. i'm hoping hoping hoping, but prepared for a let down.

    i think what i need to do, for me, and to see, is dye what is growing in, so it shows up, and take a picture, than i can SEE it, and maybe that will help more.

    I'm ready for either eventuality i think, but i really really do want my hair back. if it doesn't come back, and all falls out, i hope i can get to where a few people on these boards have gotten to, Carol is one who jumps to mind. I KNOW bald can be beautiful, and i know i can be attractive bald, i'd just prefer not to be.

    anyhow, i didn't mean to ramble on so, just wanted to let you all know that i am shaking this latest depression.
  5. Guest

    Guest Guest

    go on the BOLDISBEAUTIFUL website, (that is b o l d, not b a l d).
    that celebrates bald beautiful women with alopecia, as well as women who shave their heads because they like wearing the bald look.

    there are women fashion models who wear the bald look.
    miss tanzania in the recent miss universe contest shaves her head and wears the bald look, and she finished in the final ten.

    i don't know why some bald women believe they are not beautiful.
    there are plenty of guys that find bald women beautiful, different, exotic, sexy, etc..

    and bald women can do anything any other woman can do.

    don't worry about being bald.
    most people don't care if you are bald or not.
    they are dealing with their own problems.

    if you decide not to worry about it, and just regard the bald look on women as just being a fashion style, and get some wigs, beautiful headscarves, etc. to change your look when you want, then it won't be that much of a problem for you.
    what is important is your health. not your hair.
    just do whatever you you need to do and like to do. don't even worry about it.
    when i go out i just put on my makeup, my earrings and jewelry, a wig or wrap a headscarf, and go out.
    go out and buy some beautiful headscarves, some earrings, a cute purse, a nice dress.

    if the doctor gives you perscription drugs to help you, then take them, but don't worry about it, and eventually you might not even need the drugs that much.
  6. rayneStormRN

    rayneStormRN Guest

    that's how i'm trying to see it. my health is WAY more important than my hair, which is why there are certain treatment options open that i WILL NOT do, becuase my health is more important.

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