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OT: Is it selfish/horrible to not want kids?

Discussion in 'Girl Talk!' started by Nilli57211, May 15, 2011.

  1. Nilli57211

    Nilli57211 Established Member

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    I know this is a little off-topic, but people in my life have been bugging me lately about my views on having kids. I don't want them, and even if I do, I definitely NEVER want to get pregnant. If I ever do have them, I would either adopt or use a surrogate. People get all judgmental when I say things like that. Someone even suggested that not wanting kids makes me selfish. That really makes me angry because I am NOT selfish - I am always willing to go above and beyond for the people I love.

    I'm working SO hard at the gym right now, because I gained a ton of weight, and I need to get back down to my ideal size. Getting pregnant would mean throwing away all of that progress. Not to mention what it could possibly do to my hair, since I already know I have hair loss issues. And it would derail my career, which is unacceptable to me. My self-esteem is in shreds right now because of the weight and my hair loss. I haven't let anyone take my picture in 10 years because I don't feel that I'm worthy to appear in them. Once I can get my appearance to the point where I actually feel good about myself again...well, I don't think I should be expected to give that up for ANYTHING. I wish people would understand that they shouldn't judge me without walking a mile in my shoes first. It's not that I'm selfish, it's that I honestly do not have enough of a desire to be a mother that those sacrifices would really be worth it to me. I'm not saying it's worthless - obviously it's a very worthwhile experience to a lot of people, but TO ME, in MY life, it doesn't seem worth it. I'm only 26, so this is not set in stone, but it is how I feel right now. And I wish people would respect it and stop acting like not having kids means I'm a horrible person and that I'm missing out on one of the greatest things in life. Just because it's one of the greatest things for them doesn't mean it would be for me.

    Some people are just not meant to be parents, but they do it because of society's pressure on them and then the kids end up being neglected or abused. I'm not saying that's me, not at all, but the point is that having kids is simply not for everyone. And someone who has kids is not superior to someone who doesn't.

    It really bothers me, because...well, it's MY life, and I have every right to decide what I want to do with my life (and my body) without other people judging me for it.

    Am I right, or does wanting to remain childless really make me horrible?
     
  2. I don’t think so. I have 3 younger siblings and i had to help raise them all. My mom and stepdad were absentee a lot and there i was at 8 years old making bottles, changing diapers and getting them up and ready for school/daycare. So i haven't wanted kids for a while. I suppose I’m jaded! :dunno:

    I’m 24, married and he wants kids but we're going to wait a few years. I don’t even really like kids very much. I actually avoid other peoples kids.. But i know it will be different for me when i have my own.

    i wouldn’t feel horrible if i were you.. People should be more responsible and make decisions like you and really plan/know what they want. There are all kinds of people accidently getting pregnant and they're not in good situation.. Then there are the people, who don’t want kids for whatever reason, then you have people with too many kids and they all get ridiculed. I guess you can’t win!
     
  3. eco_girl

    eco_girl Experienced Member

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    As someone who is child free by choice don't get me started on other people's opinions about whether or not to have kids (I've had my fair share of unsolicited opinion- which since this isn't the forum for that I won't list them).

    First - don't feel bad about it. In terms of being selfish- some people (not all certainly) have kids for selfish reasons..... so they have someone to care for them when they are older for example. Second- it's really no one's business what your choices are and why, unless you want to tell them.

    Of course I always joke when some one asks if I have kids.....I say - none that I know of.....just to see who's paying attention :)
     
  4. as324.

    as324. Guest

    I don't plan on having kids, but if I have the means to I might want to adopt a girl! My genes clearly suck, and I have no need or wish to pass them onwards
     
  5. lemongrass

    lemongrass Guest

    You can do what you want. It's not selfish not to have kids, that's ridiculous. If someone told me that, I would seriously reconsider having them in my life.
     
  6. Mariaaa

    Mariaaa Guest

    :agree:

    I want to adopt as well instead of having kids. I would never want my child to inherit my health problems and have to grow up with the same difficulties as I did. :(
     
  7. hcrazy

    hcrazy Guest

    I am in the same place you guy's are...but it is hard because I am the only person I know that doesn't have kid's.

    I do not want to pass on my allergies, and problems so I made the decision along time ago..that I would not. However I have a very strong urge often to adopt...but there is alway's something that makes it not be a good time.

    I think that makes us responsible...not selfish. :)
     
  8. RugBug

    RugBug Guest

    Being the sister of a woman who should NEVER EVER have had children..EVER.... makes me a tad bit jaded as well. Raising children is hard enough for people who plan for them, wait for them, LONG for them, lose one, and then have them. For those who start OUT skeptical or having them to suit someone else's needs/wants...is just a recipe for disaster. Knowing yourself and your personal boundaries is VERY important.... (and being surprised when/if you change your mind...is a blessing as well).
     
  9. Sassy

    Sassy Established Member

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    I believe it's called Planned Parenting....Yahoo!!!

    It has taken centuries of women fighthing for the right to make decisions regarding what happens to their bodies/lives. It's now your turn to take the wand and make an informed decision based on what you know about yourself and not let those who stereotype women dictate to you what you want in your life based on their own beliefs.

    In stating the above, let's just take it a bit further and connect the loss of our hair/beauty and what society tells us. We already know on average, physically beautiful women seem to have more opportunities handed to them due to their looks. I mean, it's plastered all over the media for most of our lives that the beautiful women get the beautiful successful men and then they have big happy families. Well, what happens to those of us who don't fit into the physically beautiful category??? We can lose confidence and become weak and self-doubting.

    I personally am proud to have found this site of beautiful women who are trading knowledge and giving such unconditional love & suuport as I struggle with the loss of my hair. I find that most women are wise and caring beings and we don' have to be physically beautiful or parents to be so. So let's all try and get through this here life informed so that we can make wise decsions that we can live with and pass on what we've learned to others.

    Crazy I know but I just felt inspired...
     
  10. littlenewo

    littlenewo Guest

    It is by no means selfish to not want kids. Kids take a lot from you, they are a huge responsibility, they are around for at least 18 years, and they require a ton of love. If you are not willing or wanting to have that on your shoulders then you should definetly NOT have children.

    I in fact think you are wise and SELFLESS to not have children. You are aware that you do not want them, and to have them would be selfish.

    There is one thing though,
    if the only reason to not have children is the prevention of passing on genetics, I think that is a little crazy. We as humans adapt and progress, whos to say that in a hundred years hair doesnt get phased out genetically and we all then are born with bald heads and continue a life with no hair? I mean we are what we are, I dont think allergies, genetic disorders or a poor complection, should prevent us from procreating. It is natural instinct to create another being, and IF you HAVE that instinct then you should create.
     
  11. Kay777

    Kay777 Guest

    yay, sassy! loved your post. :punk:
     
  12. Hennared

    Hennared Experienced Member

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    I'm 44. I never desired to have children of my own. I decided that when I was young (and full of hair on my head!) and I never changed my mind about it. I was judged a LOT for my decision when I was in my 20's.. no one has bothered to question me about it as I got older, though.

    It's YOUR body, it's YOUR life. You owe no one a reason or an explanation. No, you are not selfish - you are self aware. More parents could do with being self aware. As Rug Bug more or less said, worse by far is someone who has children and does not raise them well and with care. Now THAT is selfish.
     
  13. :agree:
    I wasn't one of those women - who dreamed of getting married...and having babies. I didn't marry till 32. It IS a very personal decision. That said - I DID have two boys - and am so thankful for them. My life would not be the same without them. Are they demanding - sure! But they make my life complete. To think I seriously considered not having them is something I can't fathom at this stage in my life. I never imagined how much I would love the role as 'mommy'... and am so glad I did get over my fears. (and YES - you can get your prebaby body back - it may not be PERFECT - but age alone tends to make our bodies head south... and that's something that is bound to happen - and we can't stop it!)
     
  14. ildivofan

    ildivofan Guest

    No its definately not selfish not to want kids....I too have decided I do not want children....when i was in a relationship for 17 years many things came up that I felt made it not the right time to have children either emotionally or financially.....I am a strong believer in the fact if you do decide to have children you should be able to provide financially yourself for the children & financially as in not just get by but give the child what it needs to make it a confident happy (& no I dont mean spoiling the child just making sure it is able to do all the things that is needed to become well rounded confident adult)... also as important one needs to assess ones own emotional situation within oneself & in ones relationship...to decide then if it is the right thing to bring a child into that enviroment....as personally if I did decide to have a child it would only ever be on the basis that at the time of plannin to have it that I knew that I could ensure that it would have as good & happy life as possible...as to me that would be my main priority not cos other people think I should have a child...'because its what females are here for'..lol... :jump:

    Or recently I have had from a couple of people say that I need to have children so I have someone to look after me in my old age...lol...yup & that always happens doesnt it....Not!! ..there's no guarantee ones children will look after us when were are old....alot from what I see shove their parents in old peoples homes...& that certainly is not the basis to have a child...

    I think it is more selfish to just keep having children one after another when for whatever reason you are unable to provide either of the above... cos what's more selfish then havin a child & not providing it with proper food or clean clothes or the love & care it needs...or worse still the people who abuse the child either verbally or physically....

    So no if someone gives me the lecture on I should have kids I'm afraid they get a lecture back from me...I think before they let anyone have children they should do the same strict testing they do when people want to adopt or foster children....
     
  15. HollyGA

    HollyGA Guest

    Oh my GOSH?! I have never in my life wanted kids, and can't imagine why that would be considered selfish! Not everyone wants the same things in life. And while its great than many people do want kids, its also just fine if you don't. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent...and I can promise you that I'm one of those people. I just never felt drawn to children. I don't dislike them (at least not all of them. LOL!) but I've no interest in having them myself. And Lord knows the guilt I'd feel if I had a child who ended up with my miserable hair loss! :roll:
     
  16. Nilli57211

    Nilli57211 Established Member

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    I'm glad you are happy with your role as a mother, but not wanting children is not always attributable to having some "fear" of having them. It's not some pathology or something *wrong* that needs to be fixed. Some of us JUST DO NOT WANT kids, period. It has nothing to do with fear, or immaturity, or selfishness, we just don't want them. For some women, having children makes their lives complete, for others, it would be a huge mistake and make their lives unlivable. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids - as you said, it is a personal choice. Choosing not to have kids is every bit as OK and legitimate as choosing to have kids IMO.
     
  17. MyEmmy

    MyEmmy Guest

    AMEN!!!!!!
     
  18. RugBug

    RugBug Guest

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