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Sex and Wigs.

Discussion in 'Teens and Twenties Alopecians' started by elise, Oct 22, 2010.

  1. elise

    elise Guest

    I feel like the young section is the only section I can ask questions about sex and not feel like I'm being too inappropriate, ahaha.

    Ok, so. I just started seeing a guy and he's great. I could definitely see this going somewhere. And we have great chemistry that I'd love to explore but my Alopecia complicates that a little bit. We haven't had sex yet, but we've fooled around and theres been a few times where he's almost stayed the night.

    The complications: I have freakishly extreme Alopecia Areata and just recently got fed up with the hair everywhere and the tangles, so cut off all of my remaining hair and got a wig.

    Now normally, I would think to just wait until things got a little bit more serious to tell him about it, but you're not supposed to sleep with a wig on so if things go better and he stays the night I risk ruining the wig. I feel like as is, the choice is keep a nice wig or keep a nice guy, lol.

    And then there's this irrational fear that in the throes the thing will come off and send the guy running for the hills. So.. is it better to tell him before and prepare him for any possible mishaps and have the opportunity to take it off and wear a hat or something, or is it better to hope everything goes well and discuss this further down the road? I can't decide what I think is best... I don't want to load the guy up with anything too serious while it's all still so light and fun, but at the same time this concern is making it considerably less light and fun for me...

    What would you do? Dammit I hate Alopecia for complicating my life sometimes...
  2. Martha716

    Martha716 Guest

    It is totally up to you what you want to do. There is no right or wrong answer. But I'd tell him. I'd also wear the wig.

    Some people sleep in wigs and those wig survive. I've worn a bicycle helmet over several different wigs and they have survived (totally unscathed). I have been on the beach, in the wind, you name it. Just wear the darn thing.

    If it is human hair, use a lot of silicone in it so that it tangles less. Just go into the bathroom and smooth some on. You can also use silicone on synthetics.

    If you are going to have a relationship with this guy (or any guy) you're going to need more than one wig, I think! LOL!

    I'd tell the guy that you'd love to be more intimate with him, that you want to, but that this is what is worrying you. You might tell him you've had alopecia for X years, that it is not a result of ill health, that sort of thing. It's up to him to adjust and you can't make it work if it won't work.

    Plenty of us have boyfriends or husbands or boyfriends who became husbands despite alopecia, wigs, etc. My husband is wonderful about my alopecia, but I admit that if I were dating all over again, I would dread this moment you have to go through. But I think you have no real choice. Otherwise, you're going to be very uncomfortable!

    Good luck!
  3. meowchica

    meowchica Guest

    :( I know I shouldn't be offended by you using the word "freakish," but I am.

    Tell him you wear a wig, because unless you glue that thing down, it's going to come off or move around during sex. Whether you want to tell him why you wear a wig is up to you.
  4. Eztli

    Eztli Guest

    I've had all sorts of reactions to the fact that I wear hair.

    From the very very bad, to the very good.

    Generally speaking, if someone reacts badly to the fact that you wear a wig, tis indicative of not so good things. This doesn't neccessarily mean that a good reaction is the bearer of good tidings though.

    You have to tell him. Sooner or later. My master plan was to get a wig where I didn't have to. I was going to glue it on my head, or some such so no one would ever have to know. But in the end, you don't want to keep something like that from a significant other, just so when they do find out, and they will, i promise that its not like what? what?!?!

    Personally speaking, I would be very upset to have slept with someone and then discover they have issues about my wig, so I vote for before.

    As for wearing it to sleep, I've done it, could be partly responsible for the fact that my hair peices dont seem to last as long as other people's here, but it is possible and some people on here, who have husbands/boyfriends whatever, do choose to sleep with their hair on anyways.
    It's definitely not ideal, but it can be done.
  5. Alliegator

    Alliegator Guest

    I vote before. That is my opinion. I am single and I often think about this. I think it depends on you and when you feel comfortable enough to tell him. For me, I say the sooner the better because I have this picture in my mind of the guy going to run his fingers through my "hair" and my wig coming off! That would be mortifying for him. See I don't wear any sort of tape or glue under my wig so it can be pulled off with enough force. I'd rather tell the guy before we got to that stage then to have anything like that happen. For me, at least I would know if he is a keeper before we get physical by his reaction. Like Eztli said... it could go very bad or very good and for me, I would rather not sleep with a guy then have it end because he had a very bad reaction. I'd put all my cards on the table so there aren't any surprises. but mainly, tell him when the time is right. I don't look forward to that part of dating a guy.
  6. angies99

    angies99 Guest

    I vote before as well. Because if he is to run for the hill because he can't accept your Alopecia Areata then I rather he runs before than after. Having said that I can totally understand your dilemma. It is easy for me to say because I have no emotional attachement. At least you are brave enough to wear wig.
  7. Kay777

    Kay777 Guest

    ok, i'm 30 and perhaps not the the right target audience for this thread, but i can say that i made the mistake of NOT telling my last bf about my hair loss until well into our sex lives. when i finally fessed up, it became this big thing and i actually felt guilty about NOT having told him earlier. i was keeping something major about myself hidden--and because i did that, i was lying about times that i was upset because he complimented me about my appearance, hair, etc.

    i would use this opportunity to set a really good precedent of honesty for yourself. if you are at the place where you are ready for sex, then you are at the place where you are ready to share things that are important about you and your overall life experience.

    just some food for thought!
  8. elise

    elise Guest

    Hmmmm food for thought indeed. Thanks ladies.

    Allegiator, I laughed out loud when I read this. This nearly happened last time he was over!! My wig has heavy bangs and they get in the way, so he kept trying to push them back to "see my face" and I would stop him and cover it up by saying that I 'have a thing about my forehead'. Lamest excuse ever, but it averted a crisis.

    Meowchica, I'm so sorry I offended you. completely unintentional. As someone with alopecia, i obviously don't find it freakish. To put it in context i would say "my apartment is freakishly dirty" if I had 3 socks on the floor. Just one of those words I use without thinking about it, my apologies, and thank you for the advice.

    On a broader note, this has helped alot. I was thinking that telling him before was smarter... but there's that shy part of you that just wants to forget you even have the damn problem. But, this has reaffirmed my belief in doing things the smart way is for the best over all.
  9. meowchica

    meowchica Guest

    It's alright. I just get a bit sensitive from time to time. no worries :)
  10. Brittney

    Brittney Guest

    if youre going to have sex with him you should tell him about your alopecia! sex is a VERY private thing...if youre going to take off your clothes in front of him, i think you should be comfortable to take off your wig first.
  11. novanne

    novanne Guest

    That was very nice discussion here!! i was lookin for same thing for long time. m also single in early 20s. but i fear a lot to go out wid a guy due to Androgenetic Alopecia. M planning to buy a wig soon.
    Those front lace wigs looks pretty amazing (and wid good hold to ur head).
    from what i have learnt, yes, u can sleep wid ur wig... but it justs makes wig last 4 shorter period then.
    about the question, wel, i think u should tel him but at the right time. when, u wil see things moving towards seriousness... love. i m sure he will understand. Finally, we are not hairs only. Its our soul etc. etc . which makes us too. So dont be afraid. It wil work out.
    M taking it as an opportunity ( to wear diff wigs- experimenting wid looks which i would hav never done on my bio hairs ever)...I miss my hairs though... alot!!
  12. InaMay

    InaMay Guest

    I recently met a wonderful man after my long time marriage broke up and I was so happy to see that I might have another chance at happiness. I could see that things were getting serious (and physical) and decided to tell him about my alopecia (totalis). I decided that if he couldn't handle it, the relationship could go no further as this is who and what I am. He had never heard about alopecia as is so often the case but he went online and researched it which I found so touching. The first time we were alone, I told him that I am going to do "the bandana thing" as in, remove my wig and cover my poor little bald head with a colorful banada. I always wear a bandana at home and have many of them that I match up to my clothes to make it a little more fun. Since that time, we are seeing each other a lot and every time he is at my house, I am in my bandana which is more comfortable then a wig and less revealing then my little fuzzy head being left bare. When he first learned of my alopecia he said he thought the no hair thing would take some getting used to, but it took him only a few minutes. As someone here has already said, if you are going to take off your clothes in front of someone, you should be able to take off your wig. A good man will love you for who you are and not for your hair. It is our own insecurity that makes us think others can not deal with it-we do not give them enough credit most of the time. Good luck!
    Lea likes this.
  13. pinkdaisy7

    pinkdaisy7 Established Member

    Oct 26, 2010
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  14. snails

    snails Guest

    I developed alopecia areata early in new relationship. I hadn't known the guy for all that long and then one day I was having to deal with hair loss while trying to keep all smiley on dates. I ended up blurting out to the guy and burst out crying - I thought that the date would end and I would never hear from him again.

    On the contrary, it brought us very close and a year later we are now living together.

    In the meantime, my hair almost completely fell out, mostly grew back again, and is now starting to fall out again. Being intimate has been a problem. Forget about what my boyfriend thinks, if I don't feel pretty or sexy, I sure as hell don't want a guy anywhere near me. That has by far been the biggest problem. As long as you are ok with how you might look, what a (normal) guy thinks is never going to be worse.

    I definitely should have given my boyfriend more credit than I initially gave him. It would have made things a lot easier!

    I say always tell the guy before getting intimate. Sex is such a personal thing, if a guy can't deal with your alopecia, then he's the freak and he doesn't deserve to be in your bed!
  15. katethegreat

    katethegreat Guest


    Most of my problem is ME not feeling sexy or attractive, not him thinking less of me. I know that some guys can be jerks about it, but my partner is really nice and caring and loving. I feel less attractive, but he does not make me feel less attractive.

    That is something I am working on!
  16. freakyfriday

    freakyfriday Guest

    Ummmm yeah before you have sex, I would tell him, not in the heat of the moments :) but pryer in getting serious with him, If he is a great/good guy, he would still be interested in you, unless of course his hmmmmm is thinking for him then well he may care after he gets some.... tough call, only you know him we don't.......

    If some ladies/girls are so worried about what so called normal guys thought about such perhaps dating a so called normal guy should not be in the cards....date a guy with the same diseases then, problem solved.

    just had a thought, maybe most people are so vein that dating someone with the same disease would turn them off....

    man oh man lol
  17. Mariaaa

    Mariaaa Guest

    I've been wondering about this too, but I think that it's better to talk about it beforehand. As unpleasant as a conversation like that may seem, I don't think it even compares to how mortifying it would be for both of you if the guy were to find out about the wig on his own from a mishap in the bedroom :shock:
  18. rivarosa

    rivarosa Guest

    My two cents. I go back and forth about this one. After all, this is not a guy's business if I wear a topper or not. Why would I want to share my deepest secrets with someone I'm about to have sex with? I wouldn't tell him about other medical issues I have, so why should I tell this guy that I wear a topper or wig? In the initial stages of dating, it is difficult to tell if a guy is the ONE or not. Even if you feel emotional intimacy with him now, it does not mean that you would feel the same three months from now. So I suggest delaying revealing this info until you know for sure this is the guy you want to have a long-term relationship with. This is not "lying", this is not sharing very private information until you are comfortable doing so. We need to have our boundaries ladies. If the guy finds out by accident and flips out on you and starts blaming you for keeping something secret from him, I would walk away from him. If this is how he handles this news, imagine how he would handle a more serious issue (e.g., a serious medical condition, you having to spend a lot of time with sick relatives, etc. ).
  19. Maelle

    Maelle Guest

    I would agree with Rivarosa mostly.
    And yeah had my first "time" wearing my topper recently :innocent: It was secured with 5 clips and I had a fancy pin on my fringe. Things got pretty hot but I don't think the guy realized I was wearing any kind of supplemental hair.
  20. Mariaaa

    Mariaaa Guest

    I guess there's a difference in opinion here because some people, like myself, wouldn't sleep with someone unless they trust the person. So I'd rather tell him beforehand because likely I already see him as someone who I'll be in a relationship with since we're having sex, which I wouldn't do with just anyone.

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